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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25007659">You Still Haunt Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethyr/pseuds/Ethyr'>Ethyr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Grief, Horde Adora (She-Ra), I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Magicatra AU, catra is she-ra, mention of PTSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:15:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25007659</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethyr/pseuds/Ethyr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the Magicatra AU.</p><p>Adora knew she was wrong. From the moment she opened the portal, to the moment everything came crumbling down again. She knew she had to do something to make things right.</p><p>Now Catra has to live with the fact that Adora sacrificed herself to close the portal. Only, a year later a familiar voice and face starts to plague and torment Catra. And it feels all too real.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>290</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Heard Your Voice Today</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heyo! First published multi-chapter fic! Gonna be on the shorter side but I hope you enjoy!</p><p>Do leave any comments letting me know what you think and how I should improve!</p><p>NOTE: This story has GRIEF, it will mention triggers, breaking down, PTSD symptoms, etc. If you're not comfortable with these, proceed with caution!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a year since it happened. Yet Catra still found herself not moving on. Everywhere she went, everywhere she was, Catra saw <em> her </em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Adora?” Catra took a step back. Time was running out. The fake world was falling apart. In front of her Adora stood half corrupted.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Hey Catra.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra shook her head. She sat down on the grass. How many times had she visited this statue? Too many times to count. But today is different. Today marks the one year since… Since…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Catra!”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra gasped. She was falling, she was disappearing. She had thought Adora had disappeared by now, but no. She was surprised to see the blonde falling towards her. “Grab my hand!”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Despite everything, despite what Adora had done, Catra grabbed onto her. The momentum Adora had managed to make them fall on a chunk of grass. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Catra, I know what I did was wrong,” Adora said immediately. The corruption still plagued half of her body. She looked pained, regretful.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra was still holding Adora close. Every second the taller girl was becoming more corrupted. “Why? Why would you do this?”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Adora laughed softly. It was dorky. It was the kind of laugh that Catra had missed. The kind that she had yearned for ever since she left the Horde. The same one Catra wanted to hear again, but not like this.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Adora frowned. “How do we fix this?” She said instead. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra gaped at her as if Adora had grown a second head. She looked up, staring at the head piece that was floating where the portal was most unstable. Adora followed her gaze.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Go back to the beginning,” Catra whispered, holding her arm in a sense of comfort. “The old lady told me. To go back to the place I came from as a baby. I…” Catra took in a deep breath to calm herself. “I can fix this.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Adora looked at her ex-best friend.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra was oblivious to the way Adora looked at her. Oblivious to how the end had shown Adora that she was fighting on the wrong side, that what she wanted all along was Catra. Just Catra. She continued, “I just need to go into the portal and pull out the head piece. This will end, everyone will return safe!”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra was hiding something. Adora knew that look in her eyes. She was afraid.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “And you? Will you come back safe?”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra’s eyes widened. She looked away, guilty.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Catra…” Adora put her hands on Catra’s shoulders. “You will come back, right?”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “It’s my destiny,” Catra whispered. “It’s what I have to do.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Adora scoffed. “What a load of bullshit,” she said into Catra’s ear. “I thought what I was doing was right, and here I am. This is not your destiny Catra.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Adora stood straight, wincing as the corruption took place. “Catra, I’m sorry.” Adora was crying. Catra could feel her heart break at the sight. Even after everything, Adora really was still Adora. Despite being misguided, despite everything. In front of Catra was not Lord Adora, the cold and bitter leader of the Horde. No, in front of her stood the Adora she left. In front of her was the girl Catra fell for long ago.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I’m a coward. I didn’t want to believe the Horde was wrong. I didn’t want to admit that you left because of it. I let Shadoweaver get to me. I became the very thing I wanted to defeat, Catra…” Adora’s hand found its way to Catra’s cheek. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I hope one day you can find it in yourself to forgive me.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra furrowed her brow. She didn’t understand. Why was Adora doing this?</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “No,” Catra managed to gasp out. “No, Adora, I have to do this, it’s my destiny-!”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>“They need you.” Adora’s expression became sorrowful. “Horde Prime is coming. They need you Catra. I have only tried to bring you down.” She smiled softly, her hand now on Catra’s shoulder. “I tried so hard to be brave, to put up a front. I took over the Horde, I went all out trying to destroy the Princesses, but really? </em> <em>Catra I was just afraid. Afraid of losing you forever. Afraid that you had found a purpose and I was stuck in the Horde, destined to become whatever Shadoweaver wanted me to be.”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Adora took a step back, offering a smile to Catra. “It sucks that this is what had to happen for me to realize my mistakes. That it took seeing what could have been torn away from me once again. But I saw your resolve, Catra. I have never seen you so… So passionate. That’s when I knew.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra was still stunned. She took a step forward, letting Adora caress her face. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Now I need to be the brave one,” Adora whispered. “For once, I will choose what is truly right.” Adora leaned in, close to Catra’s lips. “I’m sorry I fucked up, Catra. I will make it right. I promise.” She kissed Catra’s cheek, immediately pushing the girl away. She took out her staff, using it to propel herself onto moving platforms.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Catra understood what she was doing.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “No! ADORA!” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra gasped. She leaped back from the statue, tears staining the sides of her face. A small whimper escaped her lips. That memory plagued her. Every time it came it felt as if it were real. As if with just one action, Catra could have prevented what happened.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Damn it,” she whispered, wiping away the tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘Catra?’</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra turned around at the sound of the familiar voice. Only she found nothing except trees and grass. “Ha,” she laughed bitterly. “I hate that, Adora. I hate it when I hear your voice.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra turned again, looking at the statue with a fierce expression. It was of Adora, holding Catra’s headpiece. She had a serene expression. Catra growled as she stomped over to it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I hate that you left me! I hate that it took you almost destroying Etheria to get your head straight!” More tears. “I hate that I couldn’t even say goodbye!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra fell to her knees, her head in her heads. “I hate that I can’t hate you. I hate that I still love you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> ‘Catra!’</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The girl looked up. The voice felt too real. It always did. Every time she expected to see the blonde there in the flesh. Every time… Except she knew. She always knew it would never happen.</p>
<p>Until now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Adora?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In front of her stood a hazy figure, who very much looked like Adora. Maybe a little older, her hair a little longer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Catra-”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The figure dissipated. Catra laughed bitterly. Was she finally losing it?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “H-Help-”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra’s head whizzed to the side, eyes widening as she saw the figure again. As soon as she did, it was gone. She rubbed her eyes. It was true she had barely slept this week. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m losing it,” she muttered. A pair of very real arms wrapped around her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I’m so fucking sorry-”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra fell to her knees again the moment the arms vanished. That was real. There was no doubt about it. That was <em> real </em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Catra!” Glimmer huffed as she teleported in front of the magicat, making the girl jump backwards with an adorable squeal. “Here you are,” she continued, sympathetic. “Let’s go back to the palace. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra hummed as she wiped her eyes again. She stood, staring the statue down. She needed to sleep. Maybe for a few days straight. It was the one year mark since Adora had… Yeah, Catra wasn’t okay mentally. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said, running a hand through her hair. She grabbed Glimmer’s hand. “Let’s head back.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two girls teleported, leaving the clearing vacant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The figure of Adora, transparent and glitching, kneeled next to the statue. She gasped in pain loudly before disappearing again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dammit, Catra,” Adora siad, re-appearing in front of the statue. She winced, disappearing again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now the clearing was left truly vacant.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. If Only I Could Be Free Of You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra still thinks she's losing it, but maybe she's not?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you everyone for reading and commenting! It really makes my day.</p><p>Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter! As always, let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Catra sighed as she leaned against the palace wall. She looked around, feeling ease with the sudden quiet. She appreciated Bow and Glimmer’s antics. In truth, for a moment Catra did forget about Adora. The moment was ruined when the gathering was done and Catra was once again left alone with her thoughts. At least she had Melog. The magical cat sat next to her, looking up with a gaze that filled Catra’s heart with the kind of warmth she desperately needed.</p><p> </p><p>In truth, she was scared. The ordeal from earlier left her emotionally drained. Of course she had seen Adora before. Perfuma had said it was likely a symptom of PTSD. That Catra hadn’t yet gotten over losing her the way she did. That Catra was still blaming herself for what happened. </p><p> </p><p>The hallway continued to be empty as she walked towards her room. Opening the door, she was surprised to see Scorpia waiting for her inside. Melog perked up in confusion from besides her.</p><p> </p><p>“Wild cat!” She exclaimed, standing up suddenly from Catra’s bed. “I was just-”</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here?” Catra asked in a whisper. She walked in, closing the door behind her. She refused to look Scorpia in the eyes. Melog, meanwhile, walked up to the other girl purring.</p><p> </p><p>“Um well, you see,” Scorpia started, her hand resting on Melog’s head. She sighed. “I know today was going to be hard on you. I… I miss Adora too, you know?”</p><p> </p><p>That’s right. Unlike Glimmer and Bow who had only known Adora as their enemy, Scorpia was Adora’s friend. She was with her when Catra refused to be. Maybe Scorpia really was the better friend.</p><p> </p><p>Catra walked over to her bed, sitting down. She patted the space next to her, urging Scorpia to sit down as well.</p><p> </p><p>“What was she like?” Catra looked up at Scorpia as she sat down with hopeful eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Scorpia put an arm around Catra, making the girl squirm slightly before giving in. “Shadoweaver got in her head,” she admitted. “At first Adora was hurt, but Shadoweaver used that to her advantage. She managed to convert that hurt into pure rage.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra’s eyes widened as Scorpia continued. She had refused to talk about Adora for a whole year, but well, now she couldn’t help it. “There was no time. Everything happened too fast, Scorpia. There wasn’t any time for me to… To forgive her.”</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia tightened her hold slightly. “I tried very hard to set her on the right path, trust me.” She chuckled. “She was stubborn. Each day she fell further from the person we all knew. She only listened to Shadoweaver, but we all knew she was hurting. That she was scared.”  Scorpia took in a deep breath. “I regret not trying harder. Not stopping her from opening the portal. I think it’s my fault too.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra separated from Scorpia, trying hard to not let any tears fall. “I could tell she saw you as a true friend. It’s not your fault, Scorpia. She made a choice and she paid for it.” Catra wiped her eyes. “As much as the result hurts us.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m tired. Thank you for being here Scorpia. I needed that.” Catra hugged her tightly, before separating again.</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia smiled at her, unshed tears at the corners of her eyes. “Sleep well, wild cat. Know that I’m here for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘Catra’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Catra squirmed in her bed. She couldn’t sleep. That wasn’t surprising. “Damn,” she muttered, sitting up on her bed. The moon was the only light in her dark room. In front of her bed, Catra could barely make out a humanoid figure. Her eyes widened. She rubbed them, opening them again to show the figure was gone.</p><p> </p><p>“Wha-?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘Catra’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Catra turned, barely missing the figure to her left. She bit her lip. This was just like earlier today. “Calm down, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you,” she whispered to herself. Yet something deep down told her she was wrong. That the voice, the <em> touch, </em>they all felt too real to be made up by her mind. Melog sensed her distress. He perked up, putting his body on her in a show of comfort.</p><p> </p><p>She grunted, pulling the covers over both of them. The faster she went to sleep, the more likely this was all because of her lack of sleep. If she could just-</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘Catra, please’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Catra shot out of her bed, startling Melog who growled towards where the voice had appeared. “Alright! I’m sick of this nonsense.” She stormed out of her room, Melog hot on her heels, heading to sleep somewhere else. Anywhere that wasn’t her room. It was feeling small, making her breathe harder. It was nonsense, she knew it. Yet, she still needed to get out of there. Why was her brain doing this? Did she really feel that guilty about Adora? No, Catra understood it was Adora’s choice. But, did she?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“You look like shit.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra grumbled from her bowl of fruits to throw a deadly glare at Glimmer. Meanwhile Melog simply continued to play with a ball of yarn on the floor. “Huh? What did you say to me sparkles?”</p><p> </p><p>Glimmer shrugged as she put a hand on Catra’s shoulder. “Have you been getting any sleep at all?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra stared down at her bowl. It was far more interesting than delving into her current ordeal. She offered a barely coherent mumble, “I will.”</p><p> </p><p>Glimmer sighed, taking a step away to sit down next to Catra. She put her hand over hers. “We’re here for you. You don’t have to shoulder this alone.”</p><p> </p><p>Peace and quiet was what Catra needed. “You didn’t know her like I did.” Catra stood, leaving her food untouched. “I’m going out to take a breather.”</p><p> </p><p>The slight breeze from her balcony was doing wonders to Catra’s mood. She looked out to Glimmer’s kingdom. Just at the horizon she could see the edge of the whispering woods. It reminded her of the first time she met Bow and Glimmer. It also reminded her of the time she left Adora. The face full of hurt and pain when Adora had come back for her and Catra refused. Did she regret it? Maybe only parts of it. Like not trying hard enough to convince Adora to leave the Horde.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘Pretty, isn’t it?’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Catra took in a deep breath. This time she was prepared for Adora’s voice to appear. This time she welcomed it. Didn't Peruma always say to talk about your problems? Well, this would have to do.</p><p> </p><p>“I wish I could show you this,” Catra responded, not taking the time to look towards where the voice came from. “The Horde was garbage compared to the rest of Etheria. Every day I wished I could show you all of this. The delicious food, the sweets, the horses- you’d love them- and everything Etheria had to offer away from the Horde.”</p><p> </p><p>The voice didn’t respond. Catra laughed weakly. “Whenever I fall asleep I think about you, did you know that?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘No…’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A scoff escaped Catra’s lips. “Then I guess there’s a lot you don’t know, huh?” She leaned on the railings, letting the wind ruffle her hair. The warm touch of the sun sent shivers through her body. “I also wonder if you suffered. You were corrupting when you closed the portal. It eats me up inside, you know? The fact that I will never know your pain.” <em> Or know if you loved me back.</em></p><p> </p><p>There was a beat of silence.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘It hurts sometimes.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Catra whipped her head, but she had just barely missed the apparition. Ghost? Memory of someone she used to know driving her crazy? Well, it didn’t really matter now did it? She sighed. It was painful, trembling. The kind you do when you’re on the verge of a breakdown. </p><p> </p><p>“You talk to me as if you’re still alive, Adora.” She pressed her back against the railing, pulling her hands around her chest. “How cruel of my brain, don’t you think? To do something like this. As if I wasn’t grieving enough.”</p><p> </p><p><em> ‘I’m still </em> <b> <em>alive</em> </b> <em> , Catra.’ </em></p><p> </p><p>Tears went down her cheeks as she heard those words spoken. Maybe she really did need to visit Perfuma again. Or Madam Razz. Either would know what to do. Hopefully.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I guess it makes sense. That’s what I want. My greatest desire.” Catra looked at the floor, regret flashing through her eyes. She felt gentle fingers holding her chin, tilting it upwards to look into transparent blue eyes. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ‘I’m alive, Catra. And I don’t have much time left.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Catra’s eyes widened. The apparition in front of her glitched, a pained hiss coming from those lips she missed so very much. </p><p> </p><p><em> ‘You can still show me all of these things,’ </em> Adora heaved. <em> ‘I just, I don’t know how but I- I feel like you can help-’ </em></p><p> </p><p>Adora glitched again, disappearing completely.</p><p> </p><p>The empty space in front of her was like an abyss. Dark, empty, never-ending. It ate up everything Catra wanted, everything she felt. Everything she didn’t want to feel.</p><p> </p><p>One shaky step forward was what it took for Catra’s resolve to crumble. It felt all too real. But it was impossible. She was the only one able to see her. It was impossible. There was just no way, right? It couldn’t be <em> real. </em> If it was, how did Adora survive an entire year in the portal? How was she contacting her? Right, see? Impossible.</p><p> </p><p>It had to be.</p><p> </p><p>If it wasn’t, could she forgive herself for not saving Adora sooner?</p><p> </p><p>Could she even save her now?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Come on Wild Cat,” Scorpia insisted. They were walking towards Plumeria to talk to Perfuma. “I’m sure she has something to help you out. Y’know sometimes I used to think I saw my parents whenever I entered our ruined castle. Ghosts of the past, and all that. It’s just your mind-”</p><p> </p><p>“Playing tricks on me, yeah, I know.” Catra rolled her eyes. She had refused accepting Glimmer’s help to teleport her directly to Plumeria. She needed the walk. It would clear her mind. The pain in her legs was enough to shut out most of the emotional pain. Even Melog seemed tired, just as a representation of what Catra was feeling yet she refused to show. Damn him and his transparency with her emotions.</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia hummed, looking forward. “But if it is real-”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not,” Catra hissed.</p><p> </p><p>“But if it was,” Scorpia continued, urging Catra forward when she stopped walking to glare daggers at her friend. “We should talk to Entrapta! If anyone knows anything about the portal it would be her.”</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia had a point. She was honestly surprised that Scorpia didn’t think she was crazy. Catra had told her when the Princess had found her during the breakdown after the balcony incident, shouting about Adora being alive. She really appreciated the gentle giant. Her breaking down again from someone not even trying to believe her might have been her honest breaking point. </p><p> </p><p>“When does she appear?”</p><p> </p><p>“Whenever I’m alone,” Catra said with a shrug. “Whenever I’m thinking about her. When the memories flood my mind. The first time happened when I visited her memorial.” Catra leaped over a large tree root, watching with an amused smile as Scorpia had no trouble just stepping over it.</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia now had her thinking face on. “Does she look real? Or like a ghost?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra remained in her spot, looking at Scorpia as she tried to remember. “Kind of like a ghost? She looks like she’s not really there. Almost like I’m staring at a glitch of her.”</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia tilted her head. Her claw raised, pointing to a spot behind Catra. “So, like that?”</p><p> </p><p>With a look of confusion, Catra whipped her head round towards the spot Scorpia was pointing at. Sure enough there stood a glitching apparition of Adora. She had a faint smile before she disappeared again.</p><p> </p><p>“You can… You can see her?”</p><p> </p><p>Scorpia put her hand on Catra’s shoulders. “Definitely saw Adora standing there, Wild Cat. Looks like your mind isn’t playing tricks on you.”</p><p> </p><p>“She’s alive…?” Catra gasped, feeling her chest tighten. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Seems like that was happening a lot recently. The words swirled in her head over and over again until they made sense. Until it hit her like a ton of bricks.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s alive.” <em> So why do I feel like I’m still drowning? </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. To Save You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra discovers many things. She has to accept that she needs help, even from someone she would have never thought.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>For those of you who have already been following this story, I have made a few changes in the prior chapter. If you don’t want to go back to read them here is the TLDR; I realized that this takes place after Horde Prime’s arrival and Etheria’s newfound magic thus I’ve added Melog to the previous chapter. (First one is fine, Catra decided to go there alone). Due to Horde Lord Adora taking over the Horde, Hordak will be very different in this story. In short, he took the place of Shadoweaver as a prisoner in the palace while she continued to be Adora’s right-hand. The rest of the changes will be apparent in this chapter, if you have any questions about them (or see an inconsistency) please do let me know in the comments.</p><p>Other than that, I hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It didn’t feel real. It felt more like a vivid dream Catra couldn’t wake up from. She felt alone at the bottom of a heavy sea. She could still breathe but it was heavy, troublesome. Looking at her reflection wasn’t like looking at herself. It was more akin to looking at a stranger. A whole year Adora was alive. A whole year she was stuck alone in an empty dimension. <em> An entire year.</em></p><p> </p><p>Catra sighed deeply. She ran a trembling hand through her messy hair. She had arrived at Entrapta’s castle with Scorpia. She made her promise to not bring the news to anyone until they could verify the truth. Yet Catra was afraid. She didn’t know why. In fact, she should be happy that Adora was possibly alive. Yet deep down she found herself terrified. False hope. What if Catra couldn’t save her? What if she had to witness Adora withering away in a separate dimension, unable to bring her back. Unable to show her what the new Etheria had to offer.</p><p> </p><p>It was eating up Catra’s insides like a starving animal eating anything it could get its hands on. </p><p> </p><p>“Catra! Scorpia!”</p><p> </p><p>Entrapta lowered her goggles as her two friends entered her main work room. It was large, fitting various big screens in the back with various odd machines and wires scattered around the room. Catra raised her brow, but sighed when Emily trotted over to Scorpia for pets before playing with Melog.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you guys doing here?” Entrapta asked, eating a small cupcake from a platter of many more in all sorts of colors. She really was still the same despite everything that happened. </p><p> </p><p>“I have some questions.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yeah! We need your help! You see we think the portal, and Adora, and maybe space-?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra grunted, putting her hand over Scorpia’s mouth. The latter blushed embarrassed and stepped away. “What she means to say is that we need your help with questions about the portal.”</p><p> </p><p>Entrapta’s eyes widened. “Of course! Have you guys noticed it too?” Using her hair, she moved over to her screens. Quickly she typed in words Catra couldn’t understand as images, diagrams and simulations popped up. “Etheria still revolves near where the portal was first created. We are currently passing through EXACTLY where it first happened.”</p><p> </p><p>She took a step back, her hands motioning to the screens. It showed Etheria going through a whirl in space. It didn’t make much sense to Catra, but it didn’t have to. As long as there was a way to save Adora. <em> And maybe all of this guilt will finally leave me alone.</em></p><p> </p><p>“How did you two notice?” Entrapta asked with pure curiosity as she ate another cupcake.</p><p> </p><p>Catra could feel Scorpia’s claw on her shoulder in a sign of reassurance. She took in a deep breath.</p><p> </p><p>“I keep seeing Adora. Like a glitch or a ghost,” she pinched the bridge of her nose. “I thought it wasn’t real at first, but Scorpia saw her too.”</p><p> </p><p>Entrapta hummed excitedly. She turned away going back to her screens. “I’m guessing you’re here to try and bring her back?” She started typing furiously, sticking out her tongue slightly. Ideas and theories were already floating around in her mind.</p><p> </p><p>“Um, yeah, exactly.” Catra shrugged, looking away. She needed all the help she could get if it was even possible to bring Adora back. “Do you have any ideas?”</p><p> </p><p>Entrapta waved her hand, still focused on what she was doing. “I’m gonna need some time,” she replied. “So far, though, you should tell Glimmer. I’m probably going to need her and Bow’s help.” Entrapta tilted her hand. “And maybe Castaspella as well.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra made a movement to ask why, but Scorpia shook her head at her. “Come on wild cat, let’s head back and leave Entrapta to do her thing. She’ll find a way.” Scorpia gave her a genuine smile. “I promise.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Heading back was the hardest thing Catra had ever done. Thinking about telling her friends about what’s been going on left a sour taste in her mouth. Would they be mad that she confided in Scorpia first? Would they understand? So many doubts were spiralling in her head. Not to mention Adora was at the forefront of them all. Could they even come back from this? Could they at least still be friends? </p><p> </p><p>Catra had to lock her thoughts away,  before she worried Glimmer and Bow before even telling them anything. The halls felt deserted as she walked towards the war room. Thanks to one of Entrapta’s devices, she was able to tell them beforehand to meet her there. Yet her trembling increased with every step she took. Melog pressed themselves against her legs, calming her slightly. Her hand patted his head, making him purr. She was truly thankful to have him.</p><p> </p><p>The thick doors that lead to the war room opened with a loud creak. Bow and Glimmer’s head tilted up at the noise.</p><p> </p><p>“Catra! What’s going on?” Glimmer stood, concern on her face. </p><p> </p><p>Catra’s hands turned into fists at her sides. She bit her lip before closing the doors behind her. She took in a deep breath to calm herself before turning to face her friends. The trembling ceased the moment she sat down in front of them.</p><p> </p><p>“I need you guys to promise me you won’t freak out,” she said first. Her friends nodded enthusiastically, concern replaced with a burning curiosity. “Something big is going on. Thanks to whatever phenomenon is making these things occur, I think…” Catra dug her nails into her arms. Melog nuzzled her side. “You know what?” She slammed her hands on the table, startling her friends. “Adora is alive. Entrapta and I need your help to save her.”</p><p> </p><p>To say Bow and Glimmer looked surprised was an understatement. Glimmer seemed like Catra had just told her she kicked a dog, while Bow seemed more happily surprised than anything else. Catra glared both of them down. It was the least she could do to keep in her own confused emotions. Melog meowed next to her, he put his paws on the table, looking between the friends with a curious look in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Bow said, breaking the tense silence first. “That’s a lot to take in.”</p><p> </p><p>“No shit,” Glimmer said under her breath. She slumped back in her chair, her hand going to her forehead. “How do you know she’s still alive? It’s been a year since it happened.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra closed her eyes tightly. “I’ve seen her,” she whispered. When neither of her friends commented on that, she continued, “I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me. A ghost of the past just appearing out of nowhere? It drove me crazy. Until it happened with Scorpia with me. She saw her too. It really made everything suddenly become real. Adora is alive, she’s phasing in and out from the pocket dimension.”</p><p> </p><p>Bow leaned over the table. “Why now?” Glimmer looked up, curious about the timing as well.</p><p> </p><p>Catra shrugged. “I visited Entrapta to find that out myself. I guess Etheria is passing through a ripple where the dimension is still connected to our own. It’s causing Adora to phase into our world, but so far… It’s not for long.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “But it’s getting longer.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>All three (plus Melog) jumped at the sudden voice. They all looked to the side of the room, finding Adora leaning on one of the columns. She wore a small smile as she stared at them. </p><p> </p><p><em> “Whatever you guys think up, better make it quick.” </em>She walked towards them, glitching and suddenly her hands were being used to lean over the table. The act made them jump again. Catra for one was left speechless. Every time Adora appeared she seemed more real. As if just a little more time and Adora would be a physical thing, instead of whatever mess of phantom atoms she was right now. Just a little more and Catra could touch her, without her glitching or Catra’s hand phasing through. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I can feel I don’t have long. The more I phase in here, the more it affects me. The more I feel like I won’t come back.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That was the last thing she said before she grunted in pain and disappeared for however long it would take for her to come back to Catra. <em> To Catra </em>. Was it a mere coincidence that Adora phased in wherever Catra was? Or could it be the key ingredient to bring her back?</p><p> </p><p>“Now that was freaky,” Bow said, his voice a higher pitch than normal. “Okay so not that I didn’t believe you before- because I did- but that was just some insane timing.”</p><p> </p><p>Glimmer was still staring at the space Adora once stood in. She had a thoughtful expression on her face. Her gaze then landed on Catra’s who was looking for some sort of approval or acknowledgement of what just happened.</p><p> </p><p>“How long has this been happening?” She asked, crossing her arms. “Why didn’t you tell us about any of this before today?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra slid down her seat slightly, her own arms crossed. She pouted. “I thought I was crazy,” she replied, unable to look at either of her friends. “It started on the anniversary, when I visited her statue. I thought with the timing and place that it was my brain playing a cruel trick on me. It kept happening whenever I was alone. It never sunk in that it was real until it happened in front of Scorpia. I went to Entrapta’s and came here straight after that.”</p><p> </p><p>A hum of acknowledgement escaped Glimmer’s lips. “Catra,” she whispered, standing and walking over to the Magicat. “We would never have judged you.” Her arms wrapped around Catra’s stiff body. Soon she returned the heartfelt gesture.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, but I was scared.”</p><p> </p><p>Glimmer separated, smiling down at Catra. “But you have us now. We will do everything we can to bring her back.” Her gaze turned to Melog, whose body was now on the table. “We know how much she means to you, and much hurt you’ve experienced since it happened.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra was about to respond when Bow interrupted. “Um, guys?”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” They both responded, looking at each other and bursting into a short laughter.</p><p> </p><p>“Entrapta says she’s on her way and knows a way to bring Adora back.” He then looked at Catra with a worried expression. “There’s something else too…”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Catra instructed Melog to stay in her room. She needed to be alone for what she was about to do. She couldn’t have Melog showing her emotions to the person she had to visit.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, look who it is. The traitor.”</p><p> </p><p>Man, did Catra want to punch her every time she saw her. Despite those feelings, she kept a calm expression. Entrapta said they needed her. Why, Catra couldn’t understand.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m guessing you’re here because you need my help. My, I was waiting for this. You think you’re the only one who has seen here?” A cackle escaped her lips that made Catra’s fur stand up on end.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m only doing this because I have to, Shadoweaver.”</p><p> </p><p>The woman tilted her head from the dark magical prison she was in. She had shackles at her wrists and limbs, yet she still looked as intimidating as Catra remembered. </p><p> </p><p>“My, my,” she said, her face coming close to the force field, close to Catra’s own face. “How the tables have turned.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. At What Cost?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Catra has to accept whatever it takes to bring Adora back to her.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! I'm really sorry I abandoned this for a while, a lot of stuff has been going on but I'm back!</p>
<p>Hope you enjoy this chapter! Also, forgot to mention this but I've been drawing a scene for each chapter so check out my twitter @ofwhatwaslost if you wanna see those!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Adora had sacrificed herself, it wasn’t long after the rebellion managed to capture Shadow Weaver. No, that wasn’t quite right. Shadow Weaver surrendered herself. Catra remembered that day like a recurring nightmare. Everyone knew Horde Prime was coming, and Shadow Weaver gladly handed over the Horde’s manpower to stop him. Catra had asked her why now of all times? Why give up so easily? It was the first time she had seen the older woman take off her mask. Maybe she thought Catra wouldn’t believe her answer otherwise, or she was manipulating her again, or <em> something </em>. But the destroyed expression she saw screamed only truth. Shadow Weaver was grieving, and the fact that Catra shared that sentiment made her hate herself. It didn’t help that Shadow Weaver knew what happened in the portal. She knew Adora sacrificed herself for Etheria, for Catra. The thought that Shadow Weaver cared for Adora in her own twisted and toxic way made Catra’s skin crawl. It was wrong. She shouldn’t care, but she did. Shadow Weaver was a monster of a person, and there was nothing she could do that would make Catra change her mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I always told her you were her only distraction, that trying to get you back was holding her back. That you would one day be the end of her.” Shadow Weaver frowned, her eyes narrowing. She put her mask back on. “I guess I was right.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra had become so enraged that Glimmer had to teleport her out of the situation. It was also one of the key moments where Catra knew she would never forgive Shadow Weaver. Now they needed her to save Adora. Catra would have to shut down those feelings less she went full Magicat on the woman.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra refused to talk to Shadow Weaver after getting her from her comfortable “prison”. The fact that she already knew about Adora bothered her immensely. Had Adora visited her like she visited Catra? Was choosing where to appear something Adora could even do? Catra would rather direct such questions to Entrapta, who was set up in one of the empty rooms of the palace. Stepping inside, it was clear she had made herself at home. There were screens sprawled all over the room, but what caught Catra’s eye was the device in the middle. It looked like a circular platform encased in a clear cylinder. There were large and small wires alike connected to it. Wrong Hordak or as Catra liked to call him, Dakkie, was inspecting the machine with great care. He was the first to notice Catra’s entrance. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Catra! Do you see this marvelous machine? It’s so intricate!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra rolled her eyes as she passed him, patting him on the back as she did. “Sure is, Dakkie.” She approached Entrapta, her eyes intent on the screen the princess was fawning over. “So, what’s new?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Entrapta turned around, a wide grin on her face. “Now we need magic!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra tilted her head. She still couldn’t comprehend why they needed Shadow Weaver. They had Micah, Castaspella and plenty of sorcerers in Mystacor. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, but why Shadowbitch?” Catra asked in disdain. “We have plenty of other options.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Entrapta turned again, typing as new diagrams and simulations appeared on various screens. “Well, magic changed when you broke the heart of Etheria. It’s everywhere now, more accessible, yes, but we still need the person that knows about… A different type of magic.” She looked over her shoulder at Catra with a small frown. “I know you don’t like Shadow Weaver, but her magic is different and she knows a lot about both forms. We have a better chance of this working if we have her at our side.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra couldn’t refuse Entrapta’s logic. “Alright, but how is this going to work?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Entrapta deflated. A very small number appeared on the screen. “The thing is, there’s only a 0.456 percent chance for success.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra’s eyes widened. Her blood ran cold, her chest felt tight. There was such little chance of bringing Adora back? There was a sting in the back of her eyes that she refused to let out. There was a moment of awkward silence in the room as Catra tried to figure out what to say, or even how to feel about the situation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I see,” she whispered, in the end. Strings in her heart were tugging. Thoughts were swirling in her head. Would things be easier if Adora were just dead? Catra shook her head of the thought, but she couldn’t shake the small voice in her head that was shouting at her. The one that said, <em> “Will you even survive another wave of grief if this doesn’t work?”. </em>She ignored that voice. Whatever happened, she had to be there for everyone else. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Entrapta hummed. She used her hair to walk around Catra and towards the machine in the center of the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How does it work?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At this, Entrapta smiled with a sparkle in her eyes. “Well! Shadow Weaver will have to use her magic to call for Adora. According to my calculations, Adora should be able to respond to the call. As she does, she will appear in the cylinder. When she does, we will have Micah and Castaspella cast a spell on her to cement her in our dimension. Admittedly, it might take more than one try.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But you have to understand, Catra. We really don’t have much time.” Entrapta pointed to one of the bigger screens where a timer in bright red appeared. It was counting down from twenty-four hours. “If we don’t get her to stay in our dimension before that timer is done, we won’t get another opportunity. She will be lost forever.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra gulped. That was a very tight time constraint. A low growl erupted from her gut to her throat. “Is this thing ready?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Entrapta nodded, holding a wrench close to her chest. She hated seeing her friend so distressed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m getting Shadow Weaver. She’s in the meeting room with Micah and Castaspella, I’ll bring them too. We’ll start trying right now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra bit her lip as she walked down the long palace hallways. It was almost dusk, and the shadows starting to crawl into the hallway were making her nervous. All she had to do was bring Shadow Weaver and once all of this was over she would never have to see the woman again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A chilling thought creeped into her mind. <em> What if Adora listens to Shadow Weaver again? </em>That made a sudden growl escape her lips. It made her mad. Forgotten- No, buried feelings surfaced. Shadow Weaver was the reason Adora stayed. She was the reason Adora almost lost her mind as she took over the Horde. It was all Shadow Weaver’s fault. But… Adora listened to her. Even when they were little, Adora was always the favorite, no matter what she did. It would always make Catra’s blood boil. Especially when she realized how much Adora was changing since Catra left. Every time they fought she became more violent, more frustrated and unhinged.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All up until after she blew their dimension. It seemed being out of Shadow Weaver’s grasp showed her what she was truly doing, and how it was affecting Catra. Maybe it was Catra punching some sense into her. Maybe it was something else entirely. It didn’t matter, not anymore. Catra would just have to keep her away from Shadow Weaver.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Catra.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The fine furs at the back of Catra’s neck stood up at the familiar voice. She froze in her place, watching with hopeful eyes as Adora glitched in front of her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Adora!” She cried, tears she swore wouldn’t fall, fell without resistance. “We’re going to get you back,” her voice was full of hope, yet there was still a shred of despair in the small crack at the end. “You’re going to be okay…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Adora’s ghostly form took a step forward. She was smiling, but there was grief to it. Her hand caressed Catra’s cheek, and their foreheads touched. Catra felt faint electricity when Adora’s form glitched while touching her, but she didn’t care. There was nothing in this world she wanted more than to properly touch Adora again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> “I don’t h-have much time left…” </em>Adora’s voice came faint, as if she were far away. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t worry, we’ll-” Before Catra could finish, Adora’s form was gone. She fell to her knees, allowing her whimper to wreck through her body. Raising her hand to her cheek, she could still feel Adora’s touch. It was electrifying, it was good, it was painful in a way Catra couldn’t describe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There wasn’t much time. With that in her mind, Catra stood, wiping away at her face furiously. She had to do this, for Adora.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It was time. Everyone was surrounding the cylinder. It started to feel cramped, but Catra didn’t care. She was trying hard to not bite through her lip, but the metallic taste on her tongue gave away her failure.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So,” came Shadow Weaver’s voice, calm as the mildew on the grass in the morning. Catra wanted to punch her. “You’re telling me to touch the cylinder, use my magic to call Adora to this space while Micah and Castaspella put a spell on her to stay put?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Entrapta nodded enthusiastically. Catra simply rolled her eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shadow Weaver stayed silent for what felt like ten minutes, but couldn’t have been more than ten seconds. “It’s similar to my teleportation magic, although on a person that’s in another dimension. I highly doubt I even have enough magical capability for that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra’s fur stood in a sign of aggression. Both Bow and Glimmer held onto her arms just as she tried to lunge at Shadow Weaver. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What the fuck!” She cried out. “Are you even going to try!?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shadow Weaver turned to face Catra, amused. “Ah little kitty, I never said I wouldn’t.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra bit down on her tongue. Hard. She stared down at Shadow Weaver, close to transforming into her Magicat form, but Glimmer soothed her down. For now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, let us start, shall we?” Shadow Weaver put her palms on the cylinder. Her black hair started to float as she worked her magic. Catra could feel the magic from where she was standing. Red and black shadows started to form and whirl around in the cylinder. Everyone looked hopeful.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The shadows started to form the faint shape of a person. Catra’s heart stopped. Blonde hair came into a view, a uniform she recognized, a face she both loved and feared in her dreams. She broke from Glimmer and Bow’s loosened grip. She approached the cylinder, the shadows swirling around what was clearly Adora.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shadow Weaver grunted, she fell to a knee, the shadows increased. “Cast the spell!” She yelled, just as Adora’s eyes caught Catra’s. It felt like time had stopped, as if it were just the two of them in the room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Don’t. </em> Came the small voice in Catra’s head. <em> Don’t get your hopes up. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just as the thought crossed her minds, just as Micah and Castaspella chanted to try and contain Adora in this realm, a blood-curdling scream came from the blonde.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Catra stumbled forward, her hands on the cylinder as Adora’s body tensed. She glitched once, twice, and suddenly only the now slowing shadows of magic remained. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Broken glass scattered across the room. Everyone turned, staring at Catra. She was breathing deeply, now in her Magicat form with her fist through the cylinder. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Catra…” Came Glimmer first, but Catra stayed silent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She retrieved her hand. Quickly, she took out the shards of glass in her knuckles to allow the skin to heal. There were tears running down her cheeks, red from anger. <br/><br/>“Fix this,” she growled, moving to leave. Before she did, she looked over her shoulder at Shadow Weaver. “If you mess it up again, you’ll face my full wrath, and no one in here is going to stop me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door slammed closed when she left, forming cracks around the frame.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well,” Entrapta said, before she quickly turned to the monitors. “No worries, I got plenty of data from that. In fact, with this our percentage of success will go up!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shadow Weaver stood, leaning against the cylinder for balance. “We only have one more chance,” she replied, her voice quivering from exhaustion. “That alone took too much from me. I’m not even sure the next time…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now it was Glimmer’s turn to turn red from anger. “You’ll try,” she whispered. “It was all your doing that Adora even did what she did. Even if it was her decision to stay, it was you that pushed her to that end.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Without another word, she grabbed Bow to go find Catra. She would need friends right now. The next few hours were going to grueling for her.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Glimmer was the one to find Catra sitting on her balcony railing. She was still in her Magicat form. The cold wind of night made her hair flow, and the steady moonlight made Catra look almost ethereal. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you want?” Catra said, barely above a whisper. In fact, her voice had a quiver. She had been crying before Glimmer got there.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Glimmer sighed. She stepped onto the balcony, leaning on it as she looked at the palace grounds under them. “We’ll succeed.” The decision of not telling Catra about Shadow Weaver’s predicament didn’t come lightly. It was necessary, unless they wanted a rampaging Magicat on their hands. They needed to hope it would all work out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Catra stayed silent for a moment. Too many thoughts were stuffing her head. Everything felt unreal, as if it were all just a bad dream she couldn’t wake from. They were so close, yet so far away from their goal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m scared,” she admitted. “It hurts her, Glimmer. I see her flinch in pain every time she glitches. You heard her in the cylinder. What if we’re too late?” In an even lower whisper, “What if trying to get her here, kills her?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That wasn’t something that had even crossed Glimmer’s mind. Her hand reached for Catra’s arm in a sign of comforting affection. “Entrapta would have told us if that were the case, Catra.” She squeezed. “I called the other princesses.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Catra’s head whipped to Glimmer. Her brow was furrowed in confusion. The question was left hanging in the air.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you remember the first time you got us to use our magic together?” A faint smile appeared. “Magic is different now, we don’t rely on the stones anymore, but our magic is still connected. We can help.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Catra mulled over her words. Why hadn’t anyone else thought of that? It could work. Newly found hope returned to her chest, loosening the pain only slightly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It could work.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m still scared.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Glimmer looked up at her friend, urging her to continue.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What if she still hates me when she gets back? What if she decides to lean on Shadow Weaver again? There’s so many things I want to know, Glimmer. She was so distressed when everything happened. I know she was truly sorry for what she did, but I can’t shake these feelings off.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Neither of them heard the faint sizzle of electricity behind them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, I always loved her, but she’s changed so much under Shadow Weaver. All these years I tried to make my peace with her death, but she’s alive, Glimmer.” Catra ached. “I’m scared that Horde Lord Adora will return, scared that’s what Shadow Weaver wants. I’m even more scared of being wrong, that she does love me, that she’s changed. My feelings… Are confused.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Glimmer hummed in acknowledgement. “I can’t say I understand, but I know you two will be able to work it out. People are capable of change, Catra. Plus, hasn’t she been visiting you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once again, Catra looked out over the palace grounds. “Yeah, I guess I have to just believe in her. In everyone. It will all work out in the end, won’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At this, Glimmer gave her a comforting smile. “There’s the Catra I know! Now let's go, we should greet the princesses so we can try again.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Adora glitched out just as the pair retreated into and out of Catra’s room. She glitched in again with sorrowful expression.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s all my fault.</span>
  </em>
  <span> When she glitched out, she was floating in the space where Etheria once was. It was lonely, time worked differently there. She didn’t quite understand why this was happening, but she couldn’t help but feel guilty that she may be leading Catra on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Adora has had plenty of time to think about the things she has done, and even more time to feel guilty. Would it be easier on the Magicat if Adora just… disappeared? She guessed she was also afraid. Terrified to the bone that Catra only thought she loved her, that if Adora came back, Catra would realize that she’s moved on. That Catra doesn’t actually love her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The thought made her depressed.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Please do leave how you liked the chapter! Also, if you thought this chapter was rough, well the next one... :) Let's just say I'm already working on it, and it's gonna continue in Adora's perspective!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A Thousand Lifetimes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things." - Arthur Schopenhaver</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>3.4k words! I feel accomplished lol. I listened to Lovely covered by Lauren Babic as I wrote this, good inspo. Hope you guys enjoy!</p><p>Again, I've drawn a scene of this chapter. Go to @ofwhatwaslost on twitter to see it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b> <em>Right after the rift is closed…</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Adora opened her eyes. Was she dead? She looked down at her hands, opening and closing them before slapping herself. Hard. The pain spread across her cheek. She caressed it with a pout.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright Adora, don’t panic,” she muttered to herself. “Figure out what’s going on.” The last thing she remembered was… Ah yes, the complete disaster she made. A white flash as the dimensional rift closed, and now she was here in Despondos. Floating. Looking around, she found chunks of rock floating around with her. Using the strength in her legs and arms, and countless useless minutes, Adora finally reached a big enough chunk of rock she could stand on.</p><p> </p><p>“I did this,” she whispered, looking around at the disaster around her. Adora knew she was alone. No amount of yelling until her vocal cords were strained showed any differently. After what felt like hours, she sat down in exhaustion. Pulling her knees close to her chest, she let herself cry.</p><p> </p><p>“Umph,” Adora groaned as she landed on another, bigger rock. She had spotted her broken staff on it. There was nothing. No one to fight. Yet, the staff was like a part of her. She grabbed the two pieces. There had to be a way to fix this. She sat down, tinkering with the damn thing.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah-ha!” Adora stood triumphantly with her fixed staff. She smiled, swinging the pole around her a few times before stopping. She touched her hair. Has it grown? She frowned. How long has she been stuck here? She didn’t feel hunger or thirst, yet her hair had very clearly been growing. “Weird,” she muttered, before she continued to practice with her staff. It wasn’t like there was anything else to do anyways. </p><p> </p><p>Day time never came, but Adora doubted it was exactly night time either. She really couldn’t tell where the various lights were coming from. The space she was in seemed to be stuck in an eternal state of dusk, or maybe dawn? Adora groaned in frustration. At least the lights were pretty. Blue, pink, a bit of purple sometimes. She smiled to herself, despite everything it was a beautiful sight. A sight only she could see.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did I do it?” She asked her staff, as if it could listen to her. “We had it good growing up for a pair of orphans, and she still left me.” She huffed, turning on her side, as if to sleep. Adora noticed for the first time that she couldn’t. Sleep would not come. Maybe that was for the best, she wouldn’t have to dream of Catra only to wake to an empty world.</p><p> </p><p>“I really hurt her,” Adora whispered, feet hanging off the edge of the rock. “I let Shadow Weaver fill my head with hate. I let power corrupt me, but can you blame me?” She looked at her staff. “Of course not, you’re not sentient.” Adora tapped on the cold metal of the staff absentmindedly. “I never deserved her. I was a fool to ever hope she’d come back to me.”</p><p> </p><p>There was something inherently wrong about the space Adora was in. At times, she could feel the fine hairs on her arms stand up from the presence of static. It made her feel uneasy, but there was nothing she could do. There really was nothing to do here, huh?</p><p> </p><p>Adora didn’t know how much time had passed when her first shift happened. Her face was shocked when she suddenly found herself in the familiar halls of the Fright Zone. She ran her hands along the walls, a nervous smile on her face. “Okay,” she whispered, once she noticed her hands were almost transparent. A pair of Horde Soldiers passed by, never noticing her presence. </p><p> </p><p>Her chest tightened. Was she actually dead now? Maybe her spirit travelled back to Etheria. Maybe she could see Catra again, even if it was like this. With that in mind, Adora tried to find her way out. Only, there was something different about this place. It was small details, but it reminded her of the fake Etheria right before everything crashed down on her. Despite the unease, she kept that thought at the back of her head. After a sharp corner, she reached what looked like a throne room.</p><p> </p><p>In a throne sat… herself. Except maybe a little older. This other Adora had the same scar across her left brow, but also had more additions. Crawling up her neck, onto her cheek and across the bridge of her nose was a burn mark. Looking at her hands, there were more. And her hair! It was buzzed on the sides, long on the top and flopped to the right. Adora tilted her head, how… strange. She approached the other girl. Again, another person who didn’t notice her. She was wearing something similar to Adora, but more intricate and with a cape. And her eyes, they sent a chill down Adora’s spine. There was something cruel in her bright blue eyes, as if they had caught wild lightning waiting to be unleashed on the next person that looked at her the wrong way.</p><p> </p><p>“Lord Adora,” came the voice of a Horde Soldier from the door. He bowed at his waist, his hand in a fist over his heart. “We have her.”</p><p> </p><p>The wicked grin this other Adora had made Adora’s skin crawl. What was this?</p><p> </p><p>“Finally,” she said, as she rose from her throne. Her voice was scratchier, as if something had happened to it. This other Adora took her own version of the staff. This one had a red crystal shaped like a blade embedded at the tip. “Have you made sure she won’t escape this time?”</p><p> </p><p>The Horde Soldier stood. “She came of her own accord, my Lord. She says she wants to stop the bloodshed.”</p><p> </p><p>The other Adora cackled. “I see! Looks like I’ve finally gotten through to her. Bring her to me, will you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, my Lord.” </p><p> </p><p>Adora shook with rage. Was this… was this what she could have become? Was it a dream? She hoped with all her being that it was a dream, but before she could think more of it, Catra entered the room in all her Magicat glory. There was an awful scar across her face; Adora didn’t even know Catra could scar in that form.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my, Kitty,” came Adora's voice as she approached a shackled Catra. She walked around the Magicat, the blade on her staff constantly teasing to touch skin. “Are you here to finally surrender?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra growled, lunging at Adora but the shackles kept her put. “I will only surrender myself when you promise to leave Etheria alone you crazy motherfucker.”</p><p> </p><p>Adora was taken aback by this. In her world, no matter how much she riled Catra up, she would never respond with such venom and hate in her voice. It was a hot white kind of hate. The fine hairs all over her body stood as the voice sent a shiver down her spine.</p><p> </p><p>The other Adora only laughed at the display of hate. “Now, now, Kitty, unlike you I will keep my promise.” She knelt down, looking at Catra eye to eye. “Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you.” There was a pain in the voice, Adora knew it but doubted Catra did. Whatever this Adora had done, it must have been terrible. Catra’s face was contorted into one full of pain and grief. It tugged at Adora’s heart.</p><p> </p><p>Before Adora could find out what happened next, she shifted back to the empty space she reluctantly called home. </p><p> </p><p>She sighed as she sat down, the memory of what she saw was now at the forefront of her mind. It was chilling, and she was trying to figure out if what she saw was real. If it was, that meant she fell into an alternate dimension, one where she never sacrificed herself for Catra and Etheria. But, what else could have happened for her to become so… So cruel?</p><p> </p><p>Adora shook her head. That really wasn’t her problem. It was the other world’s Adora’s problem. Yet it still didn’t sit right with her. She pulled her knees up so she could rest her chin on them. If she travelled to that alternate dimension, was it possible she could return to her own? No, she couldn’t bring that hope to her heart. Not now.</p><p> </p><p>The next time Adora shifted, it was to the same dimension. This time she stood in a cell with Catra, and this time, the Magicat seemed to be able to see her.</p><p> </p><p>“Adora…?”</p><p> </p><p>Adora shifted from one foot to another. “I’m not your Adora,” she whispered, feeling both nervous and guilty.</p><p> </p><p>“Guessed as much, you look younger,” Catra mumbled. She stretched before getting comfortable. “How’d you get here?”</p><p> </p><p>“I, uh, got stuck when I stayed in Despondos as it… you know?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra cocked an eyebrow. “You’ve got more guts than this Adora, I’ll tell you that.” She tilted her head in curiosity. “Am I the same? Where you come from?”</p><p> </p><p>Adora slid down the wall as memories flooded her mind. “Seems so,” she admitted. “It’s difficult to think that this Adora could have been me if I didn’t…”</p><p> </p><p>A snort came from in front of her, she furrowed her brow in confusion. “Sorry,” came Catra’s soft voice. “It’s hard imagining you, or well, this Adora, feeling any kind of guilt.”</p><p> </p><p>Now Adora’s curiosity was at the brink of overflowing. “What happened to her? What would make me like this?”</p><p> </p><p>Catra seemed to be deep in thought at the question. There was a flash of sadness before a flash of anger in her mismatched eyes. “I tried to get through to you, but it wasn’t working. Shadow Weaver had too much of a hold on you. After the dimensional incident, something in you seemed to just break. Shadow Weaver took advantage…” Catra brought up her claw to her face, letting out a shaky breath. “She did something and you let her. Suddenly Hordak was… Shadow Weaver was next when you realized she was manipulating you.” At this, Catra scoffed, “Took you long enough to realize, really.”</p><p> </p><p>Silence filled the room. Adora had a horrified face, Catra’s own softened at the sight of it. </p><p> </p><p>“Catra, I want to tell you… I want to say, I think you can still get through to her.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra shook her head. “Sorry kiddo, I already tried plenty of times. Whatever Shadow Weaver did to my Adora, well it doesn’t matter. She’s done things I will never forgive anyways.”</p><p> </p><p>Adora deflated. Would her Catra ever forgive her? Would Adora somehow still become this cruel thing? Was it just destiny? It didn’t matter. She couldn’t go home anyways.</p><p> </p><p>Adora felt the telltale sign of static that meant she wouldn’t be able to stay any longer. “Catra!” She yelled, before it was too late. “If not staying in the old dimension was our only difference, your Adora can still be saved. Whatever Shadow Weaver did, it has to do with the stone in her staff.” Adora smiled sadly as she started to glitch. “I know the me you see now is still in her somewhere, and I know you can find her even if you don’t forgive her.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra stood, eyes squinting at the glitching Adora. “What-?”</p><p> </p><p>“Please save her-”</p><p> </p><p>Adora was back, stumbling through a dimension that was empty except for rocks and herself. She cried. She cried for herself, for the Catra she left in her world, and for the two in the other dimension. One thing had changed the course of their lives so drastically. If Adora ever saw her Catra again, she would do anything to make sure she didn’t become… Whatever that other Adora became.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, or maybe quickly -<em> Adora couldn’t tell time in Despondos </em>- she felt her purpose slip through her fingers like water. Everything she believed in crumbled. Seeing the alternate dimension opened her eyes to a lot of things. Mostly mistakes, like not going with Catra when first prompted. Or any of the other countless times Catra tried to recruit. Adora finally saw she had been on the wrong side all along.</p><p> </p><p>Adora stood. She walked to the edge of the rock. She turned around. Closing her eyes, Adora fell backwards. She fell for a moment, feeling adrenaline course through her veins. As fast as the falling came, it stopped. She floated, like everything around her. In truth, there was no way she could understand how Despondos worked. </p><p> </p><p>“Dammit!” She yelled into oblivion. Tears floated around her. Adora rubbed at her eyes furiously. “I just want to go home.”</p><p> </p><p>How big was Despondos anyways? No matter how far Adora thought she got, she could never find an end. It filled her with both terror and despair. Did Catra think she was dead? Was it best that Adora had disappeared? Maybe everything was going well for the people in Etheria, all because she was gone. Adora sniffled. <em> I still want to be found. </em></p><p> </p><p>Adora thought she had plenty of enemies before she was stuck in Despondos. She realized, at some point, who her only enemy was now. Hope. The last time she shifted it was into the other Catra’s prison. A small part of her wanted to return, to see what had happened since, another wanted to go back home.</p><p>Home. What was that for Adora anyways? The Fight Zone, Shadow Weaver, The Horde. No, none of these felt right. Not anymore. Catra? No, Adora again couldn’t let her heart wander to such thoughts. The way Catra looked at her during their last fight was full of hatred, Adora was sure of it. Despite her sacrifice, she couldn’t bring herself to believe Catra thought any differently of her. After all, Adora had been so rough on her. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you think there’s a universe out there where we get a happy ending, Mr. Staff?” Adora brought the staff to her face, furrowing her brow, as if waiting for an answer. Honestly, it wouldn’t have surprised her if it did talk back one day. “Or were we just destined to fight? To never be together?”</p><p> </p><p>Adora sighed. She tended to do that a lot lately. A small part of her mind knew she was going insane. Despite not being able to tell time, Adora knew a lot of time had passed. Her hair was long again, despite cutting it with a sharp rock multiple times. It was the only thing that showed any time at all had passed.</p><p> </p><p>“This is what you deserve.”</p><p> </p><p>Adora’s head snapped to the side, her heart eager to escape her chest. Next to her sat, well, herself. When she had corrupted, eyes full of darkness and half of her body glitching with it.</p><p> </p><p>Great, now she was hallucinating. Adora stared at her, but the other didn’t move or say anything. Thus, Adora turned away.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe I do,” she whispered. “But I can’t help wanting to go back. To actually apologize for what I did. To show Catra and everyone else I’ve changed.” Adora gripped her staff tightly. “You’re what I used to be, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>Corrupted Adora stayed silent. </p><p> </p><p>“So all you have to say is bad things, huh?” Adora scoffed.</p><p> </p><p>“Indeed,” came the raspy voice. “I’m still here because you want me to be. You want a reason for Catra to hate you, because you know if you ever go back, that’s all she will feel towards you.”</p><p>Adora stood abruptly, getting into a fighting position. Her cheeks were red with anger. “Then I know what to do to get rid of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Corrupted Adora didn’t even flinch. “No, you really don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>Before Adora could prove the bastard wrong, she shifted again. This time she was in an unfamiliar room. It was a messy, worn down hut. </p><p> </p><p>A small old lady walked in with a basket. She was humming an unfamiliar tune. </p><p> </p><p>“Um, hello?” Adora asked, hoping the lady could at least hear her.</p><p> </p><p>“Mara, dearie!” The lady responded, wobbling over to Adora and pushing the basket of berries into her arms. Surprisingly, it didn’t fall through her hands. Strange.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not my name, I’m Adora.” </p><p> </p><p>The lady tilted her head. “You want to help me make a pie? Of course! Come on, Dearie.” The lady took Adora’s hand and quickly pulled her outside. </p><p> </p><p>“Who are you?” Adora asked, struggling to keep up with the surprisingly quick old lady. </p><p> </p><p>“Madame Razz,” the lady responded, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. It really wasn’t. “Now hurry up, we need more berries!”</p><p> </p><p>Adora sighed in frustration. “Yeah, okay, but like don’t you find it strange that I look like a ghost??”</p><p> </p><p>At this, Madame Razz stopped abruptly. She tsked at Adora, as if the girl had said something incredibly incorrect. “I know you,” she assured. “I know what you seek.”</p><p> </p><p>“You do?” Adora asked, hopeful.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes! Pie!” Madame Razz laughed as she continued to walk briskly. Adora followed reluctantly. </p><p> </p><p>The two walked through the Whispering Woods. Madame Razz seemed to know exactly where she was going, meanwhile Adora was sure they had passed the same overturned boulder three times already.</p><p> </p><p>“Madame Razz-”</p><p> </p><p>Madame Razz shushed Adora. They came to a full stop. “Berries,” the old lady whispered, but it wasn’t the berries that had caught Adora’s attention. It was two figures playfully arguing in the middle of a clearing.</p><p> </p><p>Catra and herself, only they were both incredibly different. The other Adora stood tall and muscular in white outfit with long hair that almost seemed to glow. Catra stood beside her, her hair cut much shorter than Adora had ever seen before. She stood silent, listening in on their conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you see Kyle’s face when he couldn’t find Imp?” Adora said loudly, doubling over in laughter. “His face got as red as a tomato!”</p><p> </p><p>Catra snorted, holding her own stomach. “I know right? He was grabbing onto his back the entire time!” Both girls burst into laughter.</p><p> </p><p>Adora’s chest tightened. She could feel the happiness radiating off the two. Hope started to build up in her body. She tried hard to not let tears fall. Adora wasn’t sure what she wanted to cry about. Happiness? Sadness? Hope? She shook her head, stepping back and tumbling into Madame Razz who merely laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“Mara dearie,” she said, putting the tip of her broom over Adora’s heart. “What you seek is in here. It always had been.”</p><p> </p><p>“But-” Adora tried, but Madame Razz cut her off.</p><p> </p><p>“Love and Hope are the most powerful things in this universe. No matter where you are.” With that, Madame Razz pushed Adora back. Immediately the girl felt the familiar static. It had started to feel painful, but she ignored it.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s time for you to go home.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>After the first attempt…</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Adora collapsed on her knees. Sweat dripped down her face in buckets. Her body convulsed with the last waves of immense pain. Every time she shifted now, it was painful. More painful than the last.</p><p> </p><p>“Catra…” Adora dug her hands in the dirt of the chunk she managed to land on. “I’m so close!”</p><p> </p><p>Deep breaths quickly turned shallow. As if her chest kept tightening and wasn’t planning on stopping anytime soon. “Dammit!” Her forehead touched the cold ground. <em> One. Two. Three. Three. Two. One. </em>Adora let out a long breath. Her breathing was still shallow, and the pain was still there, but she started to get it all under control.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re giving the poor girl false hope.”</p><p> </p><p>Adora snapped at the corrupted voice. She glared at her. “No one asked for your opinion,” she seethed. Though, the words stuck to her. It didn’t help that Adora had overheard Catra’s conversation with the Princess. What if it was right? What if all of this was meaningless and just reopening a wound that should have been closed for both of them?</p><p> </p><p>With a grunt, Adora sat down. “The least I can do is try,” she whispered. “Hope and love, it has to mean something!” She grabbed her head in frustration. </p><p> </p><p>“Just give up.”</p><p> </p><p>Adora stayed silent, mulling over the words. It sure was easier to give up. Maybe she’d die in the next attempt. Or get stuck in between both places. A bitter laugh escaped her lips. Static cracked around her body. Familiar pain she felt to her bones returned. Adora glanced at her corrupted counterpart.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe I should.”</p><p> </p><p>And once again, Adora was plunged into unimaginable pain, unsure of what was to come next. But there was one thing she knew. Catra was trying, she had hope. So Adora would hope.</p><p>For one last time, she’d allow her heart to decide.</p><p> </p><p>“Adora?”</p><p> </p><p>This time the pain ceased much quicker. Adora’s eyes were heavy, as if she hadn’t slept for ages. She hadn’t. Yet with heavy eyelids, she glanced up to find Catra’s beautiful eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Catra.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please do tell me how you liked this chapter! I love responding to you guys. Also, in preparation for possible questions! The first alternate universe Adora visited is my other version of the Magicatra AU. It's meant to be a lot darker, and if you thought you hated Shadow Weaver in the show, she's a lot worse in that AU. But I'll say no more, in case I actually write it one day lol.</p><p>The second "AU" is, as you probably guessed, the original show. I need to give the poor girl at least some hope that she can reconcile with Catra.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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